The Waltons bit

So, there's me, Kari and the five kids: Arun, Anna, Finn, Felix and Claudia. Plus Alfie the border collie (all sound, no fury), Honey the almost-matching cat, Beau-Beau the handsome buck rabbit, Isabelle his demure, sexy wife and her wombful of fluffy - if soggy - baby dwarf lops. We run the place as an eco-hotel, which means not that there are solar panels on the foúr-posters but that the food is as organic, local and fair-traded as we can make it. Rainwater irrigates some of the garden and the car may soon be running on recycled cooking oil, if and when we can buy it in sub-humungous batches. The rest is elegantly wasted sillk curtains and antiques with the odd muddy rugby boot to break the monotony. The children earn and then jeopardise their allowances by changing beds, waiting at table and breaking windows. The guests hang out in the garden and take photographs of the astonishing sculptures that emerge from the fountain after the kids have dosed it with detergent.